Chapter 1: The Weight of a Word Count

I couldn't help but marvel at the 31,486-word milestone I had reached.

Photo by hannah grace on Unsplash

The idea of beginning again was daunting. After investing so much effort into my initial draft, the prospect of starting anew felt like conceding defeat. Although I was well aware of Anne Lamott’s encouraging notion to “just write your crappy first draft,” I had taken it to mean I should only make minor adjustments rather than embark on a complete overhaul.

As I continued writing, the word count steadily increased, eventually surpassing 31,000. It was a moment of triumph, one that made me pause and appreciate my commitment, especially given my tendency to abandon projects mid-way.

There it was: 31,486 words, and I took pride in that figure. I was enamored with my narrative, convinced that it would resonate with anyone who encountered it. Maya Angelou articulated this sentiment beautifully when she said, “there is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” I couldn’t keep my thoughts trapped within; I had to let them flow onto the page.

However, as I pressed on, the words began to falter. I grew weary of rehashing the same concepts. The 31,486 words I had so lovingly crafted began to blur together, reminiscent of a watercolor that had turned chaotic—an attempt to enhance it only led to further muddling.

I have a collection of similar missteps in my art (like the one shown above), which I chose to abandon rather than fix. Sometimes, the best course of action is to let go and begin anew with fresh materials.

Chapter 2: The Sweet Freedom of Starting Fresh

In this process, I witnessed my narrative unfold in ways I hadn’t anticipated.

In the video titled "Cyraxx Says He's No Lolcow/Shows Himself To Be Exactly That," the discussion revolves around the complexities of self-perception and public persona. It serves as a reminder of how narratives can shift and evolve.

The essence of starting over is not synonymous with giving up; it's about gleaning lessons from the experience. While the vision for my book remains intact, to realize it, I must relinquish the urge to overanalyze and begin again on a clean slate. That 31,486-word count? It's a testament to my authentic first draft. Thank you, Anne, for those profoundly encouraging words!