The Core Issue

What you may not realize is that this detrimental cycle is eroding your ability to cultivate good habits.

The neural pathways you are attempting to form are not solely established through repetition.

Imagine assembling a puzzle where, for every two pieces you successfully fit together, one piece is thrown back into the box or tossed aside.

For instance, say you aim to cultivate the habit of drinking water first thing in the morning to combat dehydration.

Yet, for four out of the last seven days, instead of finishing your glass, you delay for half an hour.

When you finally drink the water, what should you avoid doing above all else?

Punishing yourself for being late.

Why is this crucial?

Let's explore the concept of feedback loops.

Section 1.1: Understanding Feedback Loops

Before delving into how this mindset sabotages your habit formation, it's vital to grasp associative learning and the two key elements that make habits stick.

I'll illustrate this with an extreme example: addiction.

(We all have behaviors we lean on for comfort, such as consuming caffeine when fatigued, indulging in carbs during stress, or procrastinating when overwhelmed. This isn't about judgment, but rather neurobiology.)

Now, let's examine the two key elements:

1. The Speed of Learning

   The speed at which you form an addiction—or associate a behavior with a reward—is influenced by the intensity of the dopamine hit and the swiftness of the feedback loop.

   The notion that it takes 21 days to form a habit is a misconception.

   In the realm of addiction, the timeline is less significant than how quickly and strongly our brains connect an action with a reward.

It’s common knowledge: it may take someone 200 days to habitually eat broccoli, but with cocaine, it can happen in just one encounter.

The overwhelming dopamine surge sends a powerful signal, prompting the brain to repeat the behavior.

2. The Speed of the Feedback Loop

   A classic example of a quick feedback loop is a child learning not to touch a hot stove after a single painful experience.

   The immediate and intense pain creates a swift associative learning process.

So, what does this mean for why you shouldn't criticize yourself for not executing a habit flawlessly? Everything.

Section 1.2: The Impact of Negative Self-Talk

Picture this: after drinking your water (albeit late), you move on to brushing your teeth.

As you brush, a negative thought creeps in:

“I failed to stick to my new habit. Again. I've been late four out of seven days. I must be incapable of keeping my promises to myself.”

Your feelings of self-loathing grow, fueled by past failures.

You resolve to succeed tomorrow, if only to avoid the painful emotions.

Does this sound familiar?

When self-criticism becomes habitual, it compounds on a mountain of previous regrets. This recent “mistake” is likely just a fraction of a more extensive pattern of chronic self-hatred.

So, why is self-punishment the most detrimental way to approach self-talk, particularly when forming new habits? The answer lies in the feedback loop.

Associative Learning and Behavioral Reinforcement

Consider these questions:

• What am I reinforcing?
• How quickly after the desired behavior am I providing reinforcement?
• What feelings am I conditioning my nervous system to link with this new habit?

Guilt. Shame. Pain.

You've inadvertently associated your effort with negative emotions rather than success.

Due to the rapid feedback loop, you've punished yourself for engaging in the behavior you intended to reinforce.

You might think, “I’m only feeling bad about being late!” but your instinctual brain doesn’t differentiate.

When the desired action and negative self-talk occur closely together, your brain links them.

In essence, you have punished yourself for doing what you wanted to do.

You didn’t intend for this to happen, nor did you create this pattern on your own.

You were taught to think this way.

However, to your primitive brain, the distinction is irrelevant.

Humans evolved to learn from pain more than pleasure as a survival mechanism.

When your brain engages in associative learning, it cannot separate the positive habit from the feelings of failure linked to it.

The fundamental issue is that your brain cannot process nuances during painful experiences.

What the Brain Actually Registers

The learning process looks like this:

1. Engage in the desired habit

➜ Feel a sense of failure

2. Then, tell yourself you “failed” to execute the habit perfectly

➜ Experience pain and shame (which you believe will motivate you to avoid “failure” in the future)

In reality, the brain registers:

1. Engage in the good habit

➜ Feel like a failure

There is no second step in this learning process. Your brain cannot unravel the complex emotional landscape to understand that you should feel guilt only under certain conditions while still feeling happy about engaging in the habit.

Your limbic system, often referred to as our inner chimp, is far too simplistic and reactive to process such intricacies.

Damage to the Psychological Self and the Physical Self

Your biological brain's primary goal is survival.

It strives to memorize and avoid anything that causes pain, as pain is often equated with danger.

Linking your healthy habits to feelings of failure means associating those actions with pain and, ultimately, a threat to your existence.

Thus, your brain will instinctively sabotage your efforts to create new habits, regardless of what your higher self desires.

Action Steps

• List the habits you want to enhance or alter.
• Identify which ones have stalled.
• Analyze the feedback loops surrounding them. Reflect on how you initiate the habit and your feelings and self-talk upon completion, partial completion, or failure to complete it.
• Ask: “Have I created emotional associations that make it more or less likely to repeat the behavior? What feelings am I unconsciously reinforcing? What is my brain learning that I didn’t intend?”