Chapter 1: Understanding Bullying in Families

In many family structures, bullying, aggression, and abuse become pervasive issues. One crucial piece of advice for anyone facing such a family dynamic is to seek out an ally.

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By Eric Maisel

In this series, I aim to illustrate various family systems, the impacts of growing up within them, and strategies to cope with their effects. Today, we focus on families marked by sadness and anxiety. If you're interested in becoming a relationship coach, feel free to reach out at [email protected] for more information!

Certain families are marked by bullying and abusive behavior. This troubling behavior can sometimes escalate to criminal activity, but all forms are undoubtedly damaging. Alarmingly, such cruelty can be contagious: a father may bully his eldest son, who then, despite knowing the pain of being bullied, may turn to bully a younger sibling. Instead of learning compassion, we often learn to hurt others after being hurt ourselves—a sad reality of human behavior.

Older siblings frequently intimidate their younger counterparts. For example, a client named Maya, now in her forties, continues to feel bullied by her older brothers, who control family finances and dominate family interactions. Although they no longer physically harm her as adults (they did in her childhood), she still feels a sense of intimidation in their presence, convinced they would not hesitate to resort to violence if provoked.

Bullying can manifest in various ways: a partner may intimidate their spouse, a parent might abuse their child, a grandparent could bully a grandchild, or even teenagers can exhibit aggression towards their parents. The latter may seem surprising, but it is not uncommon for teens to become the aggressors in a family setting.

Take Joan, a coaching client of mine. Over the past year, she has experienced a troubling transformation in her family life. Her husband, a successful physician, has always been a bully, displaying a disdainful attitude towards his patients and consistently insulting her, her family, and friends. Despite feeling horrified by his behavior, Joan had learned to endure his cruelty.

What worried her more was witnessing her eleven-year-old twin sons start to mirror their father's behavior. They began to mock her, ignore her, and echo their father's insults, forming a "gang" with him. Joan's pleas for them to stop were met with laughter, and when she attempted to confide in her parents, they dismissed her concerns. Her husband found her worries trivial and sided with the boys, leaving her feeling isolated and unsure of how to proceed.

During our sessions, I suggested some strategies, leading her to two actionable insights. First, she recognized that being more present and assertive could deter her sons from bullying her. Second, she contemplated expressing herself more clearly, with greater confidence and fewer apologies.

I encouraged her to translate these ideas into specific actions. She decided that when the boys bullied her, she would remain silent, maintaining a steady gaze to assert her presence, and when the moment felt right, she would firmly tell them, "Never say that to me again."

We agreed that she would need to muster significant strength and courage to implement this approach. Committed to her "experiment in presence," she promised to share her experiences via email. Three days later, I received her message: “I did it. The boys were mocking me about how I prepared their sandwiches. I stood there silently and held my ground. Initially, they laughed, but then their laughter turned nervous, and Adam asked, ‘What’s happening, mom?’ I responded deliberately, ‘Never say that to me again.’ They stared at me, and I sensed something shifted. They’ve been quieter and less cruel since.”

A fundamental tip for anyone in a family dynamic that includes bullying is to cultivate an ally. If possible, find someone within your family who understands your situation and recognizes that bullying is unacceptable. This ally could be a grandparent, an aunt or uncle, or a cousin. In today's digital age, staying connected with your ally is easier than ever, regardless of distance. This person can serve as a confidante, allowing you to share your feelings and experiences without bottling them up.

An ally serves a more significant purpose than just being a sounding board; they can help strategize and may even intervene in your situation. Make a list of family members, regardless of age or proximity, and highlight potential allies. Reach out to one of them and say, "I need to share something with you. May I?" If the first person isn’t receptive, move on to the next candidate on your list. Making at least one ally can be a game changer!

Reflective Questions

• How much of your family upbringing involved bullying or aggression?
• If you experienced bullying in your family of origin, what were the lasting effects?
• Does your current family environment reflect similar bullying behaviors?
• If you find yourself in a bullying family dynamic now, what strategies might you employ to navigate the situation?

Chapter 2: Exploring Family Dynamics Further

This article was previously published on The Good Men Project.

About Eric Maisel

Eric Maisel is an accomplished author of over 50 books, including his latest works, Redesign Your Mind and The Power of Daily Practice. He writes the "Rethinking Mental Health" column for Psychology Today and is considered one of America's leading creativity coaches. For more information, visit [ericmaisel.com](http://www.ericmaisel.com) or reach out via email at [email protected].