Chapter 1: The Impact of Loss

Awakening to an unusual weather pattern is not uncommon. The sun's yellow hue was competing with the persistent fog of Napa, a scene that reminded me that the sun would ultimately prevail.

In 1996, my father had passed away unexpectedly the previous year. My grandfather was still alive, but the loss of his only son during his later years brought about unforeseen mental and health challenges, drastically altering his once joyful existence.

We began to notice that Grandpa's memory was deteriorating; he was slipping into a state where he seemed almost unrecognizable. This once lively man, who had maintained his sharpness before Dad's death, was now showing signs of a grim reality that was beginning to encroach on his life.

During the first holiday visit after my father's passing, we sat in our familiar family room, enjoying Chex mix and reminiscing about the past. I noticed Grandpa's hands fidgeting as he stared at my father's recliner, where remnants of his presence still lingered.

“Where’s Larry?” he suddenly asked.

Caught off guard, I exchanged a worried glance with my mother, desperately searching for words to soothe his confused mind. Mom gently redirected the conversation, and thankfully, Grandpa didn’t bring up Dad’s absence again during that visit.

However, a couple of months later, we received troubling news: Grandpa had pulled a gun on his daughter, mistaking her for an intruder. This alarming incident highlighted the urgent need for a medical evaluation, revealing the cruel reality of Alzheimer's disease.

That same month, Grandpa received a diagnosis of early-onset Alzheimer's, characterized by progressively worsening symptoms of dementia. We immersed ourselves in learning about the condition, grateful for the time we had with him and determined to remember that it didn’t alter who he was.

Among the crucial insights we gained was the importance of knowing what NOT to say to someone with Alzheimer's.

Never Say “I Already Told You…”

Be ready to revisit conversations frequently, but remember that telling your loved one you’ve already mentioned something will only add to their confusion and distress.

Avoid Open-Ended Questions

Questions like “Where do you want to go?” or “What would you like to eat?” can place undue pressure on your loved one to recall specific memories. Instead, opt for questions that can be answered with a simple yes or no, such as “Would you like some fruit?”

Distract Instead of Disagreeing

If your elderly loved one makes an incorrect statement, it’s best not to highlight their mistake. Rather than arguing, gently steer the conversation towards a more enjoyable topic.

They Passed Away

Responses to a loved one forgetting about a family member's passing can vary widely. They might struggle to accept the truth, and the revelation can be traumatic. In such cases, it’s often best to shift the conversation. If they directly ask about a deceased loved one, honesty is important, but how you approach it depends on what feels right in that moment.

Chapter 2: Cherished Memories

I found it amusing that my mother was the only person Grandpa never forgot. He always recognized her.

After one particularly touching visit, I turned to her and asked, “What’s it like to be unforgettable?” She just smiled as we watched him wave goodbye from the hallway of his senior living community.

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