Chapter 1: The Search for Solace

In the past, before the internet era, I would find myself aimlessly wandering the aisles of my local bookstore. I was in a fragile state following my father's passing. Experiencing such a profound loss at a young age brings about a whirlwind of emotions, often overlooked by those around us—sometimes due to ignorance or a desire to shield themselves from the reality of such grief. I have observed that this denial often stems from love, particularly among family members who live far away. As a Third Culture Kid (TCK), or more accurately an Adult TCK, unresolved grief has become a part of my reality. The absence of the environment tied to my loss often stifles the grieving process, only to be revisited when I can reconnect with that place, whether through visits or cultural experiences.

During those desperate days, I had little awareness of my emotional state. I would meander through the self-help section, searching for anything that might help me break down the walls I felt encasing me. In hindsight, I was fortunate enough to recognize my struggles.

One book caught my eye with its intriguing title, "Writing Down the Bones." It resonated with me because I realized I needed to dig deep. I purchased it, read it from start to finish—something I rarely did at that time. The pages were filled with my chaotic thoughts, barely legible, as I scribbled in a frenzy, hoping to uncover something that would resonate within me. At times, it did.

I had never kept a journal before; that was my sister’s domain. I had always thought journaling was a feminine pursuit—writing about crushes and daily dramas. I now understand that my preference for the outdoors and sports was simply my way of coping with life, not a reflection of my gender. My childhood was filled with love and stability, which I now recognize as essential for a healthy upbringing.

However, everything shifted when my father died. I underestimated the impact it would have on me, unable to grasp the enormity of my loss. At sixteen, I was at a stage where I felt invincible, yet the reality of losing a parent shattered that illusion.

An uncle once remarked, in a misguided attempt to comfort me, that my mother became both my parents. This statement struck me as absurd and unfair, trivializing the struggles of single parents and diminishing the significance of the one who was lost. Such denial, especially from someone living thousands of miles away, made it easier for them to avoid confronting the harsh realities of grief.

Natalie suggests a straightforward approach: set a timer, choose a good pen—nothing fancy—and any notebook will do. The goal is to write continuously until the time is up, capturing your first thoughts.

Although I don’t practice this method anymore, there were moments when the words flowed onto the page without any conscious thought. It was as if the truth erupted from within me, leaving me overwhelmed and in tears. Those revelations often felt more authentic than anything I had previously contemplated.

This experience mirrors what I encounter during meditation, especially on mornings when I let my thoughts spill onto the page without restraint.

Listening to your body can reveal insights your mind may overlook. Allowing yourself the freedom to express your emotions is crucial, as I will discuss further in future posts regarding the interplay between body and mind.

I have countless notebooks filled with my frantic writing. I hesitate to revisit those pages; they represent a painful chapter of my life. While I lack the time to read them, I also haven't found the courage to dispose of them.

Natalie describes her writing practice as a form of meditation, noting that the act of handwriting strengthens her hand, akin to preparing for a prize fight.

I sometimes type my thoughts out, as I am doing now, but for more intimate reflections, I revert to pen and paper. You’ve likely heard about the distinct advantages of handwriting compared to typing. Personally, I preferred taking handwritten notes in my college classes, especially in language courses. Writing by hand allows for a personal touch that typing simply cannot replicate; the rigid lines of a computer screen often stifle the freedom of expression.

Chapter 2: The Transformative Power of Writing

In this video, "Avenged Sevenfold Presents Breakdown: 'Save Me' - Part 01 of 02," the band delves into the emotional layers of their music, highlighting how personal experiences shape their art.

Chapter 3: Embracing the Journey of Healing

The "Come Follow Me - 2 Nephi 26-30 (part 1): A Marvelous Work" video explores the themes of healing and hope, resonating with those navigating their own journeys through grief and self-discovery.