Chapter 1: The Illusion of a Happy Ending

Recently, I contemplated reducing my weekly therapy sessions to bi-weekly ones. During these calmer periods, I often feel a sense of contentment. For quite some time, nothing significant had triggered my emotions.

"Could it be that I’m completely healed?" I mused.

While I genuinely have made considerable progress, a closer examination revealed unresolved issues I had skirted around in therapy. For instance, I rarely discuss my relationship with my parents. Why is that?

I often reach moments in therapy that feel like a conclusion. But is it really the end?

In my next session with my therapist, I ventured into discussing my parental relationships, and it dawned on me, “No, I still have work to do!”

A few timely experiences reinforced this insight, reminding me that self-growth is a lifelong journey, filled with unexpected turns.

What nudged me out of my perceived closure? Two significant experiences, and more.

One was the unexpected retirement announcement of a spiritual teacher I have admired from a distance for several years. After years of chronic pain, which finally subsided three years ago, he confronted a wave of trauma that had accumulated over time.

He took a year-long sabbatical to address this trauma. While he noticed improvements, he felt the need to dedicate even more time to personal healing. When he deeply contemplated whether to continue his teaching, his inner voice clearly indicated, “It’s time to step back.”

His commitment to following his inner guidance serves as a powerful inspiration.

This doesn't signify the end of his spiritual journey. He anticipates deeper reflection in the upcoming years, but for now, he finds solace in running along mountain trails.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking your healing journey is complete when it has only just begun. Even someone as evolved as my spiritual teacher, who has reached an advanced state of self-awareness, continues to navigate new paths.

Another pivotal experience for me was undergoing a “swallow test” at my local hospital’s radiology department. The technician operated the X-ray machine while another evaluator monitored my swallowing in real time. They were exceptionally kind throughout the process.

Due to a condition called Hereditary Alpha Tryptasemia, I sometimes react adversely to certain foods and substances. Knowing this, I had requested a thorough explanation of the procedure when scheduling my appointment. After understanding the details, I felt prepared.

The evaluator handed me a small cup of flavored barium solution, instructing me to drink varying amounts while the X-rays captured the process. I had no issues with this task!

However, when she produced a teaspoon filled with a thick pudding-like substance, she moved it towards my mouth as if feeding a child rather than handing it to me.

In an instant, tears welled in my eyes, and I felt my stomach churn, as if I might reject this forced intake before it even reached my throat.

Although I probably grimaced while holding that unwelcome mixture in my mouth, I swallowed it obediently.

The real issue wasn’t the substance itself, but the loss of control I felt when denied the ability to feed myself.

I could have asked empowering questions like, “May I hold the spoon myself? Could I try a small amount first?” In hindsight, I wish I had.

Instead, I found myself transported back to a traumatic episode in which I felt powerless, a time when asking questions could have had dire consequences. One aspect of that trauma involved having food forced into my mouth.

I didn’t harbor any ill feelings toward the evaluator; how could she have known my history?

I apologized for my tears and later watched the X-ray replay as she explained the results. Everything was fine until she mentioned that I might experience anxiety around certain foods.

I quickly clarified, “I don’t feel anxious about food. I’m not criticizing you; I just dislike being fed by someone else.”

It frustrates me when medical professionals attribute unfamiliar reactions to anxiety. Although I struggled to assert my boundaries during the procedure, I at least articulated my discomfort, marking progress in reclaiming my power.

I didn’t lash out or retaliate; instead, this experience highlighted the work I still need to do to heal that particular trauma.

I’m now convinced that self-improvement is an ongoing journey.

Whether you seek a happier existence or a profound spiritual awakening, it’s crucial to address the emotional, mental, and habitual patterns that hinder your progress. This requires:

• The courage to face yourself honestly every day.
• The patience to navigate setbacks.
• The determination to persist despite challenges.

Moreover, it entails caring for your body, heart, and mind. It involves granting yourself moments of rest amid stress and consistently extending kindness to yourself so you don’t lose faith in your path.

As humans, we often cling to the notion of a happy ending. We believe that with enough effort, we can find the right partner or relocate to a more ideal place, achieving everlasting happiness.

However, life doesn’t operate this way. As the insightful author and Buddhist nun, Pema Chödrön, explains, nothing is ever permanently resolved. Instead, life presents a series of tests and opportunities for healing, provided you have the courage to keep moving forward.

“Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.” — Pema Chödrön

Let me clarify: your healing journey will be filled with joy and growth. Just never mistake it for a final destination; there will always be further developments ahead.

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Chapter 2: The Continuous Cycle of Healing