# Finding Joy After Divorce: 5 Steps to Rebuild Your Life
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Chapter 1: Understanding the Journey
I never imagined I would be discussing ways to rediscover happiness after a divorce. After spending twenty-two years married and raising nine children, I felt a semblance of stability. Who would end a marriage with such a background?
However, a little over three years ago, my husband revealed that he no longer wished to stay married. He claimed he had never truly loved me, which left me feeling humiliated, ashamed, and as if I had failed. He blamed me, asserting that I should have done more to keep him satisfied. I took his words to heart.
In that moment, I felt utterly isolated.
He went on to create a new life filled with club music, fashionable attire, fitness routines, and a flashy sports car. Yet, I remained hopeful that he would recognize what he was throwing away. That hope evaporated when I discovered there was someone else.
I was at a loss about how to move forward, but one thing was clear: I had to do so without him.
Although the process of letting go can be challenging, it is essential for healing. This article outlines five strategies for finding happiness, even amid pain, along with actionable steps to help you embark on this journey.
Both through my personal experiences and my coaching practice, I’ve come to understand the importance of taking ownership of our happiness. While it’s vital to allow yourself to grieve, it's equally important not to linger there.
You deserve happiness.
Consider starting a journal to outline your goals, dreams, and track your progress. This can serve as an empowering tool for self-discovery and reflection.
1. Confronting Betrayal
When the one you love betrays your trust, it can feel akin to experiencing a death. The difference lies in the fact that they made a choice. How can you move on when someone you've entrusted with your heart shatters it?
It's a shocking experience, and recovery takes time. Allow yourself to process the pain, confusion, and fear, but eventually, you must take action and look toward the future rather than dwelling on the past.
Having a support system in place is crucial during this time—whether through family, friends, inspiring literature, or support groups.
Your inner strength is there; you just need to find it. When everything seems bleak, seeking another’s perspective can provide clarity.
Action Steps:
- Prioritize daily self-care by compiling a list of activities that nourish you.
- Establish new traditions by writing down experiences you want to try.
- Connect with family and friends, and utilize journaling and reading as sources of comfort.
- Refrain from checking their social media accounts to maintain your peace.
Your life improves not by chance, but by choice. — Jim Rohn
2. Letting Go of Anger
Anger is a natural component of the healing process. It’s perfectly valid to feel angry, especially when you’re in pain—sometimes anger feels more manageable than sorrow. Yet, it’s crucial not to remain stuck in that anger.
When I learned of my ex's infidelity, I felt devastated and then enraged. However, I chose not to dwell in anger, understanding that it would only hinder my progress. The damage had already been done; I refused to allow further negativity.
Holding onto anger doesn't affect your ex; it only robs you of your peace. They are moving forward with their life; you deserve that closure too. Forgiving them allows you to move ahead.
Remember, forgiveness doesn't excuse their actions; it simply frees you from the burden of resentment.
Action Steps:
- Write about your anger to clarify your thoughts and release them.
- Set fitness goals to keep yourself engaged and alleviate stress.
- Cultivate a growth mindset by reading uplifting material.
- Avoid social media stalking, as it only fuels negativity.
Believe in yourself. You are braver and more capable than you realize. — Roy T. Bennett
3. Embracing Letting Go
Letting go can be daunting.
We often yearn for things to return to how they once were, but we cannot control others or their choices. Divorce is inherently painful, and betrayal amplifies that hurt. We often find ourselves at a low point, just wanting the pain to cease. However, holding onto the past only prolongs our suffering.
By consciously choosing to let go, we liberate our minds. We no longer spend our days consumed by thoughts of them or how to fix what’s broken.
Letting go brings inner peace, enabling clearer decision-making and the willingness to explore new avenues.
Action Steps:
- Conduct an honest evaluation of the relationship, acknowledging both its strengths and weaknesses, and take lessons from it.
- Prioritize your well-being; if something isn't beneficial to your health, let it go.
- Allow yourself time to mourn, rebuild, and envision new possibilities.
- Read literature on letting go; it’s an investment in your healing.
We must be willing to relinquish the life we have planned so that we can embrace the life waiting for us. — E. M. Forster
4. Crafting Your Blueprint
Facing the unknown can be intimidating. We all crave a sense of stability, which is often lacking during a divorce.
To regain a sense of control, I developed a blueprint for my new life. It didn’t have to be perfect from the outset; it was a work in progress. Grant yourself the time and space to create your vision and find what feels right for you.
You won’t have all the answers right away, and that’s perfectly acceptable. Keep an open mind to the possibilities.
Creating your plan involves organizing various aspects of your future. This process helps introduce more certainty into your life.
Action Steps:
- Review and adjust your budget, savings, and retirement plans; knowledge and action lead to success.
- Establish actionable goals and a life vision—daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly.
- Prepare for any necessary certifications, schooling, or career shifts by identifying what you’ll need.
- Work towards your goals consistently and track your progress for motivation.
Stay committed to your plan, even when it feels challenging. Uncertainty and self-doubt are part of the journey, but consistency will lead you to your destination.
5. Your New Beginning
With your blueprint in hand, it's time to implement change.
Establishing a routine can provide structure to your days. Focus on what you can control and design your days to serve your well-being.
Though divorce is difficult, it also presents an opportunity to reinvent yourself.
I began dedicating time to activities I loved: hiking, writing, tennis, reading, yoga, swimming, cooking, and socializing with friends. I also attended seminars, enrolled in courses, and earned certifications.
Staying active and engaged helped me move forward.
Start by identifying what brings you joy. Embrace change gradually and challenge yourself to step outside your comfort zone. It becomes manageable when approached in small, consistent increments.
Change can be tough, but it is essential to welcome it. Release what was and work on creating a new version of yourself.
Action Steps:
- Rearrange your living space, revamp your wardrobe, or treat yourself to a makeover; it can be invigorating.
- Challenge yourself to pursue long-held ambitions—whether it's a 5k, cooking classes, salsa dancing, or joining Toastmasters.
- Integrate beloved activities into your daily life—physically, mentally, and emotionally.
- Keep lists in your journal for ideas and inspirations; this will serve as a valuable resource during restless moments.
Your life transforms the moment you make a new, decisive choice. — Tony Robbins
Finding Your Happiness
Divorce can be one of life's most challenging experiences. It demands focused effort to rebuild your existence.
Healing is a gradual process; it doesn’t happen overnight. However, a new life is waiting for you. Gather the strength and courage to welcome it, and utilize these five steps to reclaim your happiness:
- Confront the betrayal
- Release your anger
- Let them go
- Create your blueprint
- Embrace your new beginning
Although I never envisioned writing about how to find happiness after divorce, I wouldn’t change it for anything. I’ve come to realize that my divorce was not a failure; it was exactly what needed to happen.
In the initial stages, everything feels overwhelming, as if we've faltered. We often don’t know how to progress or alleviate the pain. Taking time to grieve is crucial, but lingering too long can hinder your growth.
These steps can pave the way for new possibilities and help you rediscover happiness, even after betrayal. I encourage you to create a journal; it can be incredibly beneficial.
When you formulate a plan, you take charge of your happiness. It's one of the most valuable investments you can make for your future.
Video Resources for Further Insight
5 Unexpected Things Keeping You From Being Happy After Divorce - This video discusses common barriers to post-divorce happiness and how to overcome them.
How to Be Stronger and Happier After Divorce - This video offers strategies to build resilience and find joy after a divorce.
Julie Gaeta is a Certified Holistic Health Coach accredited by the Institute for Integrative Nutrition. She is also a member of the American Association for Drugless Practitioners and an RYT yoga instructor. Julie is passionate about sharing insights gained from her journey as a single mother raising a large bi-cultural family, all while prioritizing health and wellness. In addition to personal stories, she writes about relationships, self-growth, nutrition, and healthy living.