The Harsh Reality of Narcissistic Abuse: A Deep Dive
Written on
Understanding Narcissistic Devaluation
Feeling as though you're just an unwanted item on a discount rack? You might be dealing with a covert narcissist.
In the absence of love, negativity thrives. Devaluation, like an unwelcome visitor, arrives without warning and lingers until it is either acknowledged or fades away—if it ever does. This constant devaluation is as certain as death, taxes, or the changing seasons when involved with a covert narcissist.
The Cycle of Value and Love
It's quite easy to empathize with the narcissist in this context. Recognizing long-term value in something you cannot love is challenging because everything evolves. Gradually, you may lose the traits that made you a prized partner, especially if you measure your worth solely through transactional means. If you assess value based on external standards, it will eventually diminish.
You might radiate brilliance today, but tomorrow, that glow may fade. Your once-boundless energy and optimism will eventually dwindle, leaving you confronting a painful truth: you have been subjected to severe emotional abuse. If you're feeling worthless, the covert narcissist in your life is likely to blame.
The Core Principles of Narcissism
There are three fundamental aspects of narcissism that define this behavior: Idealization, Devaluation, and Discard. While Hoovering could be considered an extension of this cycle, it doesn't necessarily occur every time.
From the Outset
Covert narcissists begin the devaluation process right from the start. They undermine you in subtle, passive-aggressive ways, often failing to support, defend, or stand up for you.
The Absence of Support
Despite wanting to be perceived as helpful, covert narcissists often do not provide assistance when it matters most. They may be known for their support in general but are absent when it comes to their partner's needs. This lack of support can be as damaging as overt acts of aggression.
The Weaponization of Disappointment
Some refer to this as "weaponized incompetence," but I prefer "weaponized disappointment." This term resonates more with my personal experiences of dealing with a covert narcissist. Their failures extend beyond trivial matters like laundry; they encompass a broader spectrum of emotional support.
The Failure to Be Good
Weaponized disappointment manifests in various aspects of life, leading to a pervasive sense of disappointment rather than just minor mishaps. This failure to be genuinely supportive contributes to the ongoing cycle of devaluation, which isn't limited to verbal insults or manipulation.
Why Do Covert Narcissists Devalue?
When narcissists begin to devalue you, it's crucial to understand their reasoning. The truth is straightforward: they no longer value you as they once did.
Perfection and Entitlement
Narcissists often feel entitled to perfection, and when they perceive flaws in you, those flaws become disproportionately magnified in their minds. The things you say or do are scrutinized, leading them to fixate on your imperfections.
The Constant Shifting of "The Thing"
There's always something you seem to be doing wrong, referred to as "the thing." This "thing" is never clearly defined and shifts constantly, creating confusion and leaving you uncertain of your standing.
The Illusion of Control
Narcissists navigate life moment by moment, lacking a master plan for their actions. Few people truly understand their motivations, and this lack of self-reflection prevents them from developing genuine empathy or moral grounding.
Understanding Morality
While narcissists grasp societal norms of right and wrong, they lack an internal compass. Their moral judgments are always influenced by how they believe they are perceived by others.
The Facade of Goodness
Narcissists are not the agreeable individuals they often appear to be. They can inflict emotional pain upon their partners while maintaining a façade of goodness to the outside world, leading to a twisted dynamic.
Misplaced Guilt and Shame
The shame and guilt you feel are often projections of their issues, leaving you with misplaced emotions. The narcissist evades accountability, transferring their shame onto you.
The Bottom Line: All Narcissists Devalue
Ultimately, all narcissists engage in devaluation. They see you as lacking value compared to themselves, leading to disappointment.
If someone constantly falls short of your expectations, wouldn't they begin to feel less valuable to you? This reflection is all the more poignant when one cannot experience love.
In a world devoid of love, devaluation becomes an inevitable outcome.
The Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse Explained
In "The Ugly Truth About Narcissists," we delve deeper into the complexities of narcissistic relationships, providing insight into their detrimental effects.