Section 1.1: Understanding Depression

Many who are unfamiliar with depression may equate it solely with deep sadness. While that is part of it, depression encompasses a range of experiences. It can manifest differently from person to person: some may find themselves crying unexpectedly, others may feel utterly drained, struggling even to get out of bed, and many might lose interest in activities they once cherished.

I withdrew from the world, losing all motivation for the things I had previously enjoyed. My existence became a monotonous cycle of waking up, working, mindlessly watching television, and returning to bed. I lacked the energy to change this pattern.

Weekends were particularly tough. When my daughter wasn’t with me, I often found myself confined to my home from Friday evening until Monday morning, venturing out only to walk my dog. My only reprieve came from spending time with my daughter, which provided a glimmer of purpose.

This was the period where I became trapped. Looking back, I struggle to remember much from that year, which was 2010. Perhaps it was the weight of my feelings that overshadowed any notable events, or maybe nothing significant occurred.

I also discovered my tendency to cope with emotions through eating, leading to my heaviest weight of 250 pounds.

“You don’t have to control your thoughts. You just have to stop letting them control you.” — Dan Millman

I received a clinical depression diagnosis over 20 years ago, and while I manage it better now, it remains a recurring challenge. I've tried various approaches to combat depression, including medication, therapy, herbal supplements, acupuncture, self-help literature, exercise, and meditation. No single method proved effective on its own.

My predisposition to depression made navigating this stage of grief particularly difficult. If you’ve faced depression prior to your divorce and haven't established healthy coping mechanisms, the struggle can be overwhelming.

Through experience, I found that cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) worked best for me. Initially, medication helped, but over time, it began to numb my emotions too much. I am not against medication; I know it benefits many. However, I found that a combination of therapy and medication was most effective for me.

It’s essential to view medication as part of a broader treatment plan. There are often underlying causes of depression that need to be addressed in therapy.

With CBT, I learned to examine my thought processes, identifying flawed thinking patterns and learning how to correct them. This approach is crucial, especially as individuals grappling with depression and anxiety often become trapped in cycles of negative thinking. Each inaccurate thought can fuel further distress until it spirals out of control.

Only by becoming aware of these patterns can we reclaim control and make conscious efforts to change them. The longer we remain on autopilot, the more challenging this process becomes.

Recognizing and replacing negative thoughts with healthier ones can transform your life, benefiting not only your mental health but also your self-esteem and overall well-being.

I frequently emphasize the importance of not suffering in silence in my discussions about divorce grief. If you're struggling to move forward and each day feels overwhelming, please seek help. Connect with a therapist, counselor, or support group.

There are many others facing similar challenges, and sharing your journey can provide invaluable support for both yourself and others.

If I had to speculate, I’d say that most individuals oscillate between depression and anger during this process. This back-and-forth can intensify feelings of self-doubt. It’s crucial to practice self-compassion during this time; there’s nothing wrong with needing more time to heal.

Heartbreak is challenging. Divorce brings significant changes.

While I've heard tales of "friendly" divorces where both parties amicably decide to part ways, I have yet to witness one. Most often, one partner is left wounded, faced with the decision to either pretend nothing happened or to embark on a journey of self-discovery and growth. Those who choose to ignore their pain often find themselves in unsuccessful second marriages.

In contrast, those who commit to personal growth emerge as transformed individuals, often unrecognizable to themselves. The person who once endured the pain becomes a distant memory, a reflection in the rearview mirror.